Divorce Hurts!
by Terry Waller
No one can imagine the awful painful experience of divorce unless you have been through it yourself. I personally have never gone through the experience, yet I feel compelled to address the issue here. Primarily my concern is to communicate to you that God loves you and that even though the Bible does say, “God hates divorce”, it does not say to anyone that God hates divorced people. So first of all relax and understand that God does in fact love you! God loves you unconditionally! He loves you even when you don’t love Him back! He loves you so very much that He was willing to die for you.
So let’s look at some reasons God says He hates divorce. First of all every divorce affects at least 25 other people. There are the children to consider, the in-laws, mutual friends, and our fellowship within the community of the church. It’s residual effects move far beyond the two individuals and spill over into other relationships with other family members, friends and even sometimes affecting our job performance as well. Ultimately each individual will forever be changed by the decision to pursue a divorce.
Understanding what has been or will be lost during the process of a divorce. First of all understand there is a loss, a loss that must be grieved. Yet it seems, to me at least, that we are conditioned by our society to think that grief should be something you deal with after a person’s death. Well this is simply not true. You see, anyone who has ever lost a loved one will tell you it can take weeks, months, a couple of years, or even maybe a lifetime to fully grieve that loss. Unlike death, where there is a public expression of loss as family and friends gather together to pay respect and say farewell to the individual, divorce is usually a drawn out effort taking months and sometimes years just to finalize the legal proceedings. Usually by this time those friends and family members who were there during the early period have had to return to their work, and or families and an individual wonders where did everyone go? You feel different don’t you? You think other people see you different don’t you? You feel…well, you just don’t know what you feel, correct? Much like death you feel an initial state of denial and unbelief. You find yourself thinking and even screaming, “This can’t be happening!” Then anger wells up inside you and screams “why?”. “Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting me?” Feelings of isolation, numbness, confusion, shock and the inability to comprehend the situation. Followed by a period of bargaining, pleas are made to God, to the spouse who chose to leave, to anyone who you think could change the situation. Don’t be surprised when unpleasant sayings come out of your mouth toward your partner, as anger can raise its ugly head. Feelings of wanting someone to take responsibility. This may be ongoing for some time at intermittent levels of distress. It is not unusual to feel a sense of being depressed. Feelings of despair, tearfulness, physical illness such as being sick at your stomach. You may experience weight gain or weight loss, the desire to cocoon and withdraw from social activities that you once enjoyed. Don’t be surprised by the inability to sleep or the desire for excessive sleep. After all, you just have been hit by the equivalency of a 10-ton atomic bomb on your emotions. Eventually you will be able to accept the unpleasant and painful reality and be able to rebuild your life.
So what does divorce really cost? Understand first of all there are numerous losses all occurring at one time. There is the loss of the dream. Loss of hope is common, loss of companion, loss of friends, loss of roles and having to make adjustment to juggle competing demands. There is usually a significant financial loss. There is sense of lostness with children and for the children it is loss with their parent. Don’t be surprised if satan tries to attack your faith and set up stumbling blocks for you during this time of grief. He is constantly lying in wait, eager to attack. You may ask “Why God did you allow this to happen? Where was God when this was happening to me?” There may be a loss of home, a sense of security, and numerous secondary losses.
Your spirit may feel crushed. The Bible says “a broken spirit who can bear it” (Proverbs 18:14) Right now if you are going through the pain of divorce let me encourage you to seek some guidance as you navigate this foreign jungle. Our friends at Divorce Care can help. They have specifically designed a ministry to help you through the process. I personally have led several groups through this process and have seen significant growth on behalf of its participants. I promise you one thing. Even though your spouse may have chosen to leave, or maybe you are the one who chose to leave, Jesus has promised never to leave you nor forsake you. So get in touch with Him daily through prayer and daily reading of His Word. Let the Word talk to you in your time of need. Trust me, if you will humble yourself and seek His face and pray, then He will heal your land. Not only will heal your land, but also He will heal your hurts, your family, and yes even your marriage if you will let Him. God is the restoration business and He can take that which we may think is junk, and fashion it into something beautiful, desirable and priceless. Will you let Him do this for you?
"You can either go through a divorce or you can grow through it.” - Jim Smoke
So now looking the fore mentioned divorce rate we need to understand what we mean when we give the divorce rate. After all I think there have many pastors who are quick to give this statistic without telling you the fact of what it means. The divorce rate is calculated as follows, it is the number of divorces by the number of marriages in a given year. So when we say 33% divorce rate among born again Christians, we are saying that the number of marriages among Christians is twice as much that of divorces. So this should say to the church today that we need a proactive and stronger focus on ministry to the needs of families, and specifically on ministering to the needs of marriage enrichment and improving your marriage. Yet let us not be insensitive the needs of those who have are single in our midst either. We should provide support group which minister to specific and special needs of families in crisis and those going through divorce. We need a trained and equipped Crisis Intervention Team, that understands the process thoroughly, that is willing to listen, and that is willing to provide support for the individual and their family.
The prevalence of divorce in our community presents a challenge and an opportunity. We have mandates from our Lord.
- Minister to the hurting within the Body of Christ.
- Reach the spiritually lost within our community.
